Hiking in 2021: 1st on the 1st - Laguna Coast

I started off 2021 with a YouTube dance video bad salsa-ing my way to 3,000 steps. Inspired by this early morning achievement that also included a few awkward revolutions with my new weighted hula hoop, I suggested to Nate that we do the hike he had just done the day before with Lia. Oh, I was there too…in an adjacent way…waiting in the car…because Schitt’s Creek on my phone is better than no Schitt’s Creek at all.

Anywaaaay, he’d mentioned that it was an easy hike and that the view was not just amazing, but UH-MAY-ZING. It sounded easy enough. I mean, he said he’d carried Lia “all the way up” because he'd needed a leg and thigh workout. So how high could “all the way up” really be if he was able to carry our 32 lb cactus-costumed 4-year-old to the top? Surely, I could manage. 

Apparently I forgot how fit my husband was.

Do you know how high the peak is at the Laguna Coast Wilderness Park? I have absolutely no idea, but that trail is steep as hell. It started out just fine in the first 3 minutes, but then the earth started to tilt at a disturbing angle and decided to stay that way until my knees and heart burned with the wrath of a thousand Moroccan desert suns. 

Not even halfway there yet

It was a hike peppered with a number of what the hells:

WTH – and still it goes up?

WTH – that old lady with the walking stick was way behind me and now she’s ahead?

WTH – Nate and Lia are racing. Now he is sprinting with Lia on his shoulders.

Many a time I wanted to give up the ghost. Throw myself over the side. But, I kept going. I stopped a lot, kicked some dirt, questioned Nate’s judgment, questioned mine more, then kept moving forward. Nate tried to get me to do some investment math to keep my mind centered on non-violent things, but that was too much effort and I told him to get a clue. Read the room, man.

After a long stretch of time in which the state of my mind could only be described as feverish and heavy with hallucinations, we finally we made it to the top, and you know what? He was absolutely correct. The view overlooking Laguna Beach and the Pacific Ocean was breathtaking. Literally. The next best thing was not the feeling of accomplishment from having climbed that mountain. Oh no, no, no. It was that it was all downhill from there.

Look closely. I'm crying.

Easy peasy for this cactus cooler!

At the end of our hike, I’d managed to hit almost 10,000 steps before 11am. Pretty sure I’ll hit my target of 15,000 by the end of today. Not a bad start for the first of the new year.

Hike number 1 of 2021 is in the can. Next weekend we'll do another one and I’ll be ready for it wherever it may be…because it can’t be harder than today’s….right?!

Happy New Year!

If you see me walking down the street...walk on by

The night should have ended with pizza and a movie. Instead, I got really good at walking.


Two slices…not too bad if I hadn’t also thrown in some fries and the gluten-free chicken nuggets Lia didn’t finish at dinner. I washed everything down with a coke and attempted to fold my belly back into my pants, but not being one for comedic errors and exercises in futility, I threw them on the floor and changed into my favorite fat yoga pants instead. Ready to tackle some Netflix with Nate since Lia was down for the evening, we set ourselves up on the couch. BUT THEN…


I started feeling the kind of heartburn I felt when I was pregnant with Lia. The sort that’s not easily quelled by a solo fart or resounding belch.  Back then, the only way I was able to work through the burn was to have Nate pat my back like a newborn until the pain dissipated, which would sometimes take hours. Citing a need for relaxation after a stressful day at the home office, he told me to take a walk instead. The nerve. “Well, I’ll show him,” I burped to myself while lacing up my Nikes. 


I found a tangled set of headphones, plugged them into my phone, and set off downstairs to do a few laps around the condo complex. UNTIL…


“Helloooo! Ready to walk with us?! We are the walking crew!”


The hell? It’s like 8:45 pm. Who else is out social distancing while exercising at this time of night? 


I answered after a few seconds. “Hi! I have a 3-year-old upstairs that my husband is watching right now, so I gotta run! I mean walk! Goodbye! Goodnight!" 


I am a nice person. I really am…but I am also shy. I was an introvert before this whole pandemic started. I don’t like talking. I’d rather listen. I’m clumsy in the art of conversation, and in the very few hours I have to myself every day, I prefer to spend my time reading, writing, baking, and watching really bad TV. You know, basic loner stuff. My conversation partners are a guy who talks 500 miles a minute (for those of you who know Nate, you know what I mean) and  3.5 year old whose talking points involve anything from the evolution of Disney princesses to how to successfully break the spiky protein shell of the coronavirus using a broadsword and some sweet Kung Fu moves. Yeah, I really don’t know how to talk to people anymore. So if I’m forced to take a walk, it’s going to be me and either some new jack swing or a true crime podcast to keep me company. 


Damn Nate for making me walk! To make it less awkward, and to make myself feel less guilty for having turned down these perfectly nice complete strangers, I took off at a brisk clip, heartburn and osteoarthritic knee be damned. 


The thoughts came racing: Wow, I’m really doing this! I’m walking so fast! Omg they’re right behind me, I need to go faster. Oh, Jesus, my knee! My knee is garbage! They’re still behind me! I thought I was going fast?! I’m the slowest! The slowest!! Cue the Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD, the East Coast family! Jeffrey Dahmer!!!


Approximately 20 minutes later, I realized I’d done a little more than a mile and that I no longer felt a burning pain in my chest. In my knee, yes, but the heartburn was definitely gone. I walked in the door, gave Nate a triumphant thumbs up, and asked to use him as a crutch to get to the couch. Homie was then nice enough to bundle up 10 frozen Otter Pops to put on my knee. Revitalized by my newfound athleticism, I resisted the urge to break open and slurp down a blue one.


The next morning, I woke up feeling more motivated than I had in years and decided to walk a mile again. I walked another mile later that evening. I repeated this pattern every day for a week before adding in an extra half mile in the afternoons with Lia and Nate. I’ve now been walking for almost 2 months and have gotten faster, even with my bad knee. I’ve not skipped a day, even when it rained for those few weeks in April. It’s become the best habit, and I look forward to this time to myself…for myself…every day.


So, thank you, heartburn. Thank you, people who wanted to walk with me but got turned down because I avoid social interaction the way I avoid trips to Costco. Not only do I feel stronger and have more energy to keep up with Lia and Nate, I’ve lost about 10 pounds and lowered the dosage on my blood pressure medication throughout this whole process. I still have a long way to go on this never ending journey to better health, but I’ll get there…one mile, one true crime podcast, and one golden age of hip hop song at a time.

It's not that I don't like you. I'd just rather listen to Chubb Rock.

Ligaya Isabella Harrison - 10/14/18

Her name was Ligaya Isabella Harrison and she would’ve been 6 this year.  

You’d think that after 6 years the pain would be slightly muted, a little less sharp as my focus is so honed in on a 2-year old that requires almost all of my attention, almost all of the time. Honestly, most days that is the case, and aside from the yearning and the knowing - that terrible knowledge that we are missing a big piece of our little family – most days we are happy. We feel blessed to have what we have.  It’s taken me awhile to feel ok saying that. To understand that I can be happy, while still somewhat broken. To feel whole, though missing a large section of my heart.  

The month of October is hard for me. But when the tears come, I let them....and little by little, the pressure and anxiety and sadness and anger that’s built up until we hit her birthday is slowly released and I can breathe again.  

She would’ve been 6 this year and quite possibly my little mini-me, with a book in hand and a song in her back pocket. Or maybe, she’d be like her baby sister Lia, another miniature Nate, the two of them running around in circles on the grass like maniacs while I laugh from the sidelines and thank all the stars in the universe for letting me call them mine. I wish I knew.  

  

Her name was Ligaya Isabella Harrison and she would’ve been 6 this year.

Happy New Year, it's 2018! The biannual blog post...

And here we are – halfway through 2018. Lia is just a few months shy of turning 2 years old, which means I'm behind by almost a year with any updates. So many updates!  I don't even know where to start.  They weren't kidding – a year in the life of/with a toddler sure goes fast. Super fast. It seriously feels like a blink...a short intake and exhale of breath before that quick hop across the line that divides infancy from full blown toddlerhood. Sweetest Pea is now a talking, singing, dancing, climbing, jumping on EVERYTHING, almost 2-year old. She is resilient, persistent, and fearless. She is what I wish I could be. She is expert level in the art of saying "NO".  I still have trouble with doing that in life. She can count from 1-10 in English, Spanish, French, and Tagalog. I still have trouble with that in life, too (I'm just gonna blame everything on "mom brain"). She's memorized countless songs and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night singing at the top of her lungs. She is everything I dreamed of. She owns my heart.  

I quit my job over a year ago and haven't looked back since. Sure – I can't buy expensive coffee drinks everyday anymore or buy up everything on Amazon like I used to (the hell was I thinking buying all those craft supplies?! I'm not even a little good at that kind of stuff), but that's ok. Because being able to stay home with her and watching her grow into an incredible little human? Yeah, that's so much sweeter than anything I could ever order at Starbucks. Are there days when I need time to myself? Jesus, yes! Species = human. I'm thankful for the amount of support I get from my family in taking care of her during those times. 
 

In order to leave my job, we had to make a few sacrifices. We rented out our bigger condo to move into the tiny starter that we bought back in 2003. When I say tiny, I mean TINY AF.  Years ago, we had a contractor come in to look at our kitchen for a remodel and he laughed for a good 2 minutes while measuring our counter space. By counter space I mean zero space. There's not really a counter and I'm constantly cursing whoever designed this joint back in 1989 because this makes baking really hard. 

Speaking of baking, I'm taking on a few orders here and there again for Little Bird's Cookie Service. I'm not advertising much because it's hard to bake at the same time as trying to stop Lia from doing backflips off the couch. The dough goes flying, Lia goes flying - it's a 350 degree mess up in here. And again – NO COUNTER SPACE. I recently went through a short baking phase where I was making something new every day. Cakes, cookies, tarts, cinnamon rolls, cream puffs, eclairs – I loved it! But then I got fatter than I already was, so that came to an abrupt end per my doctor's instructions. Then it hit me – man, if I just spent the same amount of time on working out as I do on baking, I'd be like totally on the road to Olympic fitness again (ok, not "again". There is no "again". I did a triathlon once. 10 long years ago. One time.  I just say that because I'm still, and forever will be, mistaken in thinking I'm more athlete than mathlete.)  

So now I'm back to working through the lifelong struggle that is being overweight. I'm happy to report that for the past 10 days I have managed to stay fairly bad-carb free. I've also worked out each day doing a combination of HIIT and strength training. Go me! Getting through those first few days with NOT EVEN ONE freaking donut was hard, but I busted through that mental carbage and now feel pretty great. It gets a tiny bit easier every day to make the right choice between a slice of chocolate cake and a nice medium rare steak with a sexy side of hot mashed cauliflower.  Besides, every year when I sing the National Anthem for the Angels, I tell myself that this is the season I won't be so jumbo on the Jumbotron. Dude, it's been 12 years and nothing has changed. Seriously....not even my outfits.  Well, I'm making good on that promise now because they got a new scoreboard this year and it is super extra. That devil screen is HUGE and BRIGHT and CLEAR. I've already sung a few times and it's not flattering. There is nothing like staring at your own big face on the Jumbotron while trying to sing. So bring on the asparagus! Wow, who am I???  

Who am I? I'm Lia's and Ligaya's mom, Nate's best half (his words, not mine...gosh, he's sweet), a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, singer, baker, and a reformed serial/cereal eater. I can finally do a full push-up – more than one even – and I'm starting to feel mentally and physically good these days.  It's been a really long time since I've been able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling shame and anger over how much I've let things go. That's enough. The truth is I've got a lot to live for and I want to set a good example for my kid. Self-care is important. Really, really important -  for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself, too. 

It's nice to be back.  Hello, World – good to see you again. 

    

The Greatest Playlist Ever - Sweetest Pea is turning ONE

It is 2:00 pm on the Monday before Lia's first birthday.  I'm standing here watching my almost 1-year old sleeping in her pack 'n play, counting the rise and fall of her little chest with every sweet and blessed breath she takes. I often do this - stand in the doorway like a stalker – just staring at this wondrous creature of light trying to memorize every feature of her beautiful face before the next change occurs. The changes come fast and furious these days...soft brown curls tinged with gold that are now long enough for me to easily tuck behind her ears...four upper teeth making their appearance all at once in addition to the two tiny ones that have settled in at the bottom.  

How did we get here??? I can't figure it out. Time has a funny way of messing with your mind – where 5 minutes can feel like 5 hours, and whole days and weeks can feel like mere seconds.  I blinked and my Sweetest Pea - who was JUST a newborn 20 seconds ago –is now a toddler. This girl is everything to me. She is the happiest song I have ever written and sung. She is the melody that keeps in time to the beat of my heart. And while a crack still -  and will always remain -  in the space I hold for Ligaya, my heart is as close to whole as it's ever going to be. What is there is full to bursting.

This year has been quite the trip - each milestone Lia hits is like a favorite track on the greatest playlist ever. In my mind, I'm quick to press rewind, rewind, rewind as I attempt to memorize every detail of each day, wishing there was a way to slow it all down.  I wish my brain had the capacity to hold it all in, but that would probably just make me weirder than I already am.  

Me: Hey Lia, remember that one time when you were a baby? Your poop dried on my arm and someone thought it was baby food so they helped me wipe it off. Remember? 

Lia (at 40): MOM!!! 

WEIRD

It's 4:00 pm and she's been awake for a little while now, her baby steps no longer tentative as she run-walks across her play yard. She gives herself a round of applause after reaching her destination. Again, I ask myself, HOW DID WE GET HERE??? I remember singing to Lia when she was still inside me. I prayed to a God I had a love/hate relationship with that I would get the chance to sing to her someday on the outside. Well, shave my head and call me Anne Hathaway circa 2013 because - "it came true!".  I now have the opportunity to do that for her AND with her every single day. She loves singing and music, the sound of cars, kittens meowing, and people laughing. She is joy incarnate and I am luckier than that lady who won the $750 million Powerball (for those of you who've followed some of my previous posts about never winning the lottery no matter how hard I try, you know this is huge).

Photo: Ly Johnson Photography

Ah, she's caught me staring and points a chubby little finger in my direction. I point back and am rewarded with a six-toothed smile that warms the room like a thousand blazing suns. God, how I love her. The first time she giggled, my heart leapt from my chest so fast and so hard I forgot how to breathe.  In my shock, I didn't have a chance to record it on camera - and that's ok – not everything has to be Instagrammed. It was mine – all mine, just for that one moment. She is my Precious, but I am no Gollum, or Goll-mum, should I say (because it's never too late for an odd LOTR reference, amirite?).   

4:10 pm.  

She's taken a tumble, but instead of crying, gets back up again (thank you, Trolls). Lia is resilient and determined. I hope she never loses these traits. She is curious about everything and I hope she stays this way for always.  When she was a few days old, I whispered in her tiny ear all the magical places her dad and I have visited, all the things we have done to make a life together. I am always talking, talking, talking to her. Every day I tell her about her sister who would have been 5 this year. How has it already been 5 years? This is the saddest part of our story. God, how I wish Ligaya could see all of this. 

  

9:00 pm.  

She is asleep now with a belly full of milk, and I am once again staring at the rise and fall of her chest.  I whisper our nightly prayer - that she is blessed with an amazing life, one filled with love, beauty, and wonder. I pray she makes it what she wants it to be, that she won't inherit my awkwardness, or crazy hair, or propensity for laziness, and my unnatural love affair with food; that she'll be active like her father, but remember that it's also okay to relax, to call in sick to work every once in a while, to not be so hard on herself. I pray she will be kind and adventurous, honest, discerning. I beg God to keep her safe from harm and to keep her happy, healthy, and wise. I pray I live long enough to see her dreams come true, and that in the end, she outlives me by a thousand years.  

Just a few more days now and my Sweetest Pea turns one. 

Greatest. Playlist. EVER.  

Photo: Ly Johnson Photography